date: Saturday, June 04, 2005 @ 10:04 pm
title: Fallen..
I'm feeling so helpless. Hopeless. Pointless. Useless.
I want to go to church. I want. I desire. I wish to. I.. I just want to GO!!
Demands and expectations will kill souls. I'm not excepted from that. No one was. No one is. No one will be. One man can only be @ one place @ that time.
I hate to make decisions. I JUST HATE IT. Sometime.. I think if I like all the women on this earth. I will have no need to go thru all the trouble to find my 'Chosen one' and save all the messy and foolhardy moment of my pathatic life.
I'm going to break down soon if I try to maintain my 'Superman' ego. Managing and juggling my time from morning to night. I wish I could do something I love.. like hiding @ some ulu ulu corner and admire my love from far. Jotting down any critical, yet romancing thoughts onto my little book of mine, titled : My little crazy one.. who drove me crazy everyday.
I'm suffering from a bruised ego. So sore that I can't breathe.
Every morning as I gradually come to sense. I feel so inferior. I feel so weary. But.. I.. have no choice but to get my butt out of my soft and mellow bed, whispering for my return to warm my sleeping spot.
I have things. Demands. Expectations to follow up. I cannot stop to eat. Hungry as I set my mind to get done and over with my morning routine. I miss the days when I could still sit down with my steaming hot cup of milo with kaya toasts, neatly cut into the regular triangular with slightly burnt surface, on the dining table. With the familiar flipping and crushing noise of the Straits Time, ringing by my ears.
NO!
NO! Life has to change. NO! You are not the master over your time. NO! You must obey without questioning the authority. NO! You are not you. You are their, to be thrown, trashed and chopped as and when they feel like to. NO! I must be a yes-man. NO! I must protect my imagine. I have to give face to everyone's time. NO! People trespass you. Smile and forget. Your smile is for others to expoilt. NO! You cannot sleep until you have done your stuff. NO! No time for daydreaming. No time. No time. No time.
WHY!
Just a simple request to devote my Sabbath day to soak in my God's presence and YOU! with all your rubbish and scheme comes to my door and tell me, ' you are booked.' What RUBBISH is this!
Just one more day and I will across the 1st week mark. Now.. @ the eleventh hour of your hoilday. You. Mr Big Shot wants to go back to Great Old school days. You must be out of your mind.. Seriously.
I feel worse than the valley of the election nightmare. I feel like my physical is stretched beyond my wildness. My untamed emotions are on the loose. The savage beast within the shell is gradually peeling the mask of the hell-hound.
I dunno how long can I hold on to my training.
I am Job.
God allowed all these to happen. He wants to kill Self. He wants to teach me and equip me. I can't judge myself. For if I do so, I'm also judging other as I compare their life with mine. I'm God if I do that. And I will die. I will be stone by hellstones. I will be cast into sulphur of the hell. I will be hung by the gates of hell to serve as a reminder to those who go against the O Mighty One and be one.
His fist will turn me back to what I once was. Dust. And den be gone with the wind. Chased by the aimless wind as the dust sprays @ dust.
I just want to go church. WHY! is it so difficult?
Praise God for my hardship. Praise Him for the night I laid on my back, unable to sleep. Praise Him for my bleeding heart, that I might faint and in I go into coma and never wake up again. Praise God for the hells that I meet, for my friends will live a better one than mine. Praise You for not silencing me as I formed in my mother's womb. Praise You for every fibre of myself is to able to take on the humiliation and unkindness that cuts into me. Praise You for the favour that I have found in You and also in Man.
I might be a wandering ghost if I didn't meet You.
My spouse will have to find another hubby if you didn't give me another chance.
I want to sleep. I want to eat. I want to praise God. I want to read my Bible. I want to do many things.
Maybe what the bible says is true. A prophet has few friends. Maybe none when disaster falls upon their life.
I am a prophet. I want to prosper. I want to flourish.
I need to hear more from God.
But my hears are too weak to hear.
I need to speak to God.
But my tongue is twisted.
I need to see God.
But my eyes are to weak to see.
I need to breath God.
But my nose are to weak to savour.
I need to be touched by God.
But my sense went awry and hard-cold.
Jesus can heal the sick.
I am one. One sick and ailing soul. Thirsty. Hungry.
Help me to have more compassion to those who are selfish, who refuses my help and to share their sorrow with me. Let me have more patient. Pleaseeeeeeeeeeee..
